My 9th grade Algebra teacher presented my class with this problem and no one has been able to figure it out. Can you help us?

"A man named Joe weighs 140 pounds. Joe can jump 18" vertically on the planet Earth. If Joe traveled to the moon, his weight would be reduced by 1/3. How high could Joe jump if he was on the moon?"

Does any of this make any sense to you? My friends and I are stumped - and we're also wondering if this is ever going to come into play in our lives?!?!

-Hate Algebra
-Duquesne, AK

Like most problems in life, the first thing you have to do is dissect the person, er... situation. Look carefully at this problem. What common elements could be removed so that you can solve this without having to really do the math or learn anything? That's right, "Joe" and the "moon." My immediate reply would be to take out the moon, but since you only have an 8th-grade education, I doubt that you will be able to procure the necessary materials to do the job (a hijacked Space Shuttle with a hefty nuclear payload is required here). Okay - you know subtraction, right? If you take away the moon, what's left? Yep - poor, old, skinny Joe.

The Giat FR-F2 Sniper Rifle

While I wouldn't normally recommend anything from France (including wine), I would suggest the Giat FR-F2 Sniper Rifle. Sure, the name rhymes with that pathetic Italian car, but make no mistake - the Giat is all business. The real beauty of the Giat isn't just the fact that you can put a clean hole through a Tootsie Pop at 500 meters, no. The real attraction here is the thermal-insulating sleeve that covers the barrel to prevent warping due to heat, AND to reduce the infra-red signature. Any well-trained professional could hide for DAYS in the hills with this baby and not worry about a thing, including thermal-cameras from the Apaches overhead. Kick ass.

While there are no known tactful methods for asking for money, there are some that could be considered more persuasive. Enter the Heckler and Koch G-11, a futuristic- looking, fully-automatic (but keep it set to 'burst' if you're a newbie to this method of asking for charity) "Advanced Combat Rifle" created by those wonderful boys in the HK Labs back in 1989. The amazing part of the HK G11 is the caseless ammunition it fires. Basically, it's a small block of explosive with a 4.7 x 33mm bullet buried inside of it. You could fire off 2,000 rounds from the G11 (in 60 seconds, mind you) and leave behind nothing but dust in the wind from this environmental-friendly weapon.

Our 15-year-old daughter is having sex, without a doubt. Lately she's been locking the door to her room whenever her boyfriend comes over. Whenever we knock, it takes forever for her to open up. She denies it, making it difficult to punish her. What do you think, Tango?

-Concerned Parents
-Bluff City, ND

Wait until the young ones are at the height of their moment. Load your 12-gauge Remington with "00" shot. Breach the door as shown below by sliding the barrel in between the door frame and the door knob. Pull the trigger and watch that door fly open like a shitty screen door on a mobile home on a Friday night when some drunken daddy gets pissed at mommy and bolts for the bar.

Roll a flash bang grenade into the room and yell, "Fire in the hole!" Duck to the side and cover your ears.

About the time that the screaming stops and those two underage fuck-bunnies come stumbling out of their love nest with cochlear fluid flowing from their ears, your point will have been made.

My parents are tripping. They think that my boyfriend and I are having sex whenever we go into my room and smoke out. I lock the door for some privacy, but they don't care about my privacy. How do I deal with my nosey parents?

-Just Smoking, Not Humping
-Bluff City, ND

You need to build a bunker, hemp huffer. See the picture below for a general idea. You're going to need earplugs, 100 sand bags and 500,000 rounds of ammo, at least.

Build your own bunker!

When your parents make their next attempt at entry, fire off a clean burst of 200 rounds (15 seconds) from the M-60 to get things started. Wait for their return volley of fire (duck), and then let loose until the barrel melts.

This is assuming, of course, that your brain is capable of doing this. My guess is you're going to get so fried while planning your fort, planning it all out on graph paper with highly imaginative illustrations, that you're going to forget about the task at hand while you build "killer guard towers" and "some kewl moat that has, like, battery acid and alligators in it - yeah!"

And before you know it, your dumb ass is going to be in juvenile rehab where you'll chain-smoke filter-less cigarettes and eventually turn lesbian due to all of the male attendants sodomizing you. Or at the very least, you'll end up a shuddering, teeth-gnashing runaway who will require hundreds of hours of intensive psychotherapy once some belt-whipping, testosterone freak plucks you off the streets and makes you his receptacle for aggression and violent sex. Let me know how it all turns out, I'm very concerned.