A swift retaliation to any threat, real or suspected, is the most certain way of dealing with undesirable bodies and ensuring a quality of life for you and your loved-ones. Fortunately, the people at Heckler & Koch believe in making weaponry to ensure your success in this defensive stance.

He's not ready, huh?

Let's run down the goods that might persuade him, and dip the bank account a little to encourage some post-corporate realm adventure. Since he's on a drinking binge, I'll try to confer these weapons with a method he might understand.

HK UMP: Light, easy to work with. Standard stuff. Loud. Kick.
Think: Blackberry Brandy. And lots of it.

HK MP5A3: All business. Popular. Flashlight is nice. Little kick.
Think: Jack and Coke. Upgrade?: Knob Creek with water back.

HK HP5SD (Silence and Flash Suppression). Serious Business.
Think: Pinot Noir. Possibly Booker's Rocks.

(If you're humming that tune "Red Red Wine" by UB40:
insert gun in mouth. Pull trigger.)

HK Tactical Semi-Automatic Shotgun, 12-gauge. Gas operating.
Holds a lot of rounds. Variety of chokes.

Think: Heineken. Chased with unfiltered saki.
HK GMG (Grenade Machine Gun)
Fires off of a BELT of Grenade Ammo. Heavy. Bigger than it looks.
Think: "Grain Trains" from Fat Tuesday or Everclear chilled.

HK69A1
One shot. Blithering destruction. Makes cool sound when loaded.
Fire grenades from your hand!
Think: Agave Tequila.

MSG 7.62 Sniper Rifle
Insane accuracy. Devastating range.
Think: Bombay Sapphire Rocks, splash of Tonic. No fucking lime.

G36 Compact
The fat little brother to the MP5. Folding stock. Fits in a suitcase
so small. No one knows it's there until, "BLAMMO!"
Think: Guinness. Arrogant Bastard Ale. Skull Splitter.

Mr. Tango:

I just discovered that my great-great-great grandfather was a soldier in the Civil War. He fought for the Confederate forces, and he was killed in a violent attack on his camp, reportedly while he was eating breakfast. I’d like to acknowledge him in some way, but I’m not sure if there is a Confederate memorial anywhere where I can do such a thing. Should I plant a tree in his honor? Being the military guy you are, how would you suggest I publicly recognize my great-great grandfather?

-Want To Make A Memorial
-Anniston, AL
(No, Jennifer Aniston is not from here. Anniston = town. Aniston = Jennifer.
Look at the spelling. Don’t be a retard. Please don’t ask us this anymore. Anniston, Alabama is tired of this question.)

Soooo, what was it like growing up with Jennifer Anniston? God, she’s so hot, and just so incredibly taken by some fruit who is obviously going to come out of the closet here in the next year or two and reveal the fact that he’s been sucking Prince and Cruise dick for years. She must’ve been something in school, though, eh? Was she a cheerleader in the high school you dropped out of? Ever get a peek at her bush while she did the splits, rooting for your school's team?

Look WTMAM, the fact that your great-great grandfather got killed sitting around a campfire while chewing on an 1863 version of a “Pop Tart” is enough reason NOT to give the guy a memorial, but since he fought for the Confederate forces, publicly announcing this message is going to get you nothing more than a swift kick in the ass by anyone, from the 91-year-old grandmother in Iowa who reads this column, to the 13-year-old punk in Brooklyn who just had George Washington’s likeness tattooed on the head of his penis, who also reads this column.

Your best bet, with September 11th coming up and all, is to stand tall and proud, and tell everyone in the world that you popped Jennifer Aniston when she went to Aniston High School. It might be the only thing that saves your throat from being cut when you try to brag about some old fart you’re related to who tried to defeat the American Way.