Dear Tango:
My live-in boyfriend of four years is suddenly acting weird. He's listening to Ozzy Ozbourne and all sorts of shitty bands really loud all the time. He's also drinking more than usual and urinating on our neighbor's porch while screaming nonsensical shit about solidarity and government oppression. All of this in the wee hours of the morning! We live in a place where the excitement peaks at the mere thought of a YMCA picnic. This behavior is wrecking our lives! Forget counseling - he's already ripped me a new one at that suggestion.
-
It's MY apartment too
- Elisio, MO
Dear IMAT:
I've sent a case of Bass and a healthy Colt Anaconda. Hand the man the beer and send him on his way. Don't forget his Ozzy albums (which are not shitty, by the way). Any questions or comments he might have may be answered with the exclamation point enclosed. Six Federal Hydra Shok™ rounds are also enclosed. The Colt Anaconda has few enemies, few enemies that can now speak, really. Most domestic situations could be solved with this .44 Magnum Marital Tool.
Dear Tango:
Fart. I think the word fart is funny. Just say it: "Fart." Isn't that funny? Man - what a funny word.
-You
know you're laughing
-Taiwan
While it might be hard to dispute your claim for regular people, I find it difficult to succumb to the masses and acknowledge the fact that infantile grammar usage fuels me to anything more than destruction. Look for my latest work in Cuba, where I plan on disposing of that fat little Elian ("nino") as soon as his papa brings his fat bastard child's ass back to the banana republic where they make decent cigars. One of the last things we need in America is another Cuban child. After I smoke his exploited ass, I'll smoke a fatty from the land of the not-so-free and puff it all the way back to the Home Of The Brave at 90 knots on the Cigarette Boat that I've purchased from last years earnings.
Young Elian Gonzales, about to take the round that will please most of the world.
I love my sister and everything about her, but her husband is a complete ignoramus. He commands every conversation and makes sure that everyone knows that he "knows it all." I love him too, but how can I let him know that he's being rude, without being rude myself? No killing, please.
-Wanda
Clark
-Sukaheema, WI
When you deny the obvious solution to the most common problems, you sound like some sort of Christian Mother who avoids conflict at all costs. How do you deal with this unruly, unswayable person without neutralization?
This presents the most difficult (Q & A) situation that I've ever seen. Solution? Nerve gas and nepalm (for those unfamiliar with napalm, think highly flammable Jello™). And plenty of it. Put that bastard on his knees. Deliver a canister of Serin straight up and follow with a bucketful or two of the beautiful flammable goo that was so popular in Vietnam. See below, the last person who endured the wrath.
I think he lived. Maybe he didn't, but what difference does it make? Problem solved. While you say "No Killing" we all know the best method. Do you ASK weeds to leave your lawn? Do you beg rodents and insects to NOT invade your home? Hell no - you smoke that sucker's ass that nags you.