From: [addressomittedbecauseofspammers]
To: webmaster@coors.com
Subject: I hate you - and here's why:

Dear Webmaster: You are the only person that I can reach in the Coors "organization," as your website has apparently been down for several days...

This message should be forwarded to whomever is responsible for the goddamn "What Mountain Have You Climbed Today?" commercial that is making the country laugh at Coors (and that fat bastard "Krebs").

First of all, I'll tell you that I'm biased... I hate Coors Light. It is probably the most disgusting beer available on the market today. Aside from the "gutter beers" like Old Mil-chokee, the Beast, Natty-Light and Hamms, Cee-Oh-Oh-R-Ess Light is the most vile alcoholic brew that I have ever tasted. I mean, it tastes like burnt wood. "Charcoal Cedar' is a better name for the repugnant stuff. Where do you draw the water for that shit? Five feet from the latest forest fire? Jesus!

Okay - the commercial that I am writing to "discuss" is the stupid-ass basketball/personal accomplishment/Serb-bastard-can't-hit-a-shot-to save-his-life/Let's go drinking with the guys that used to hate me/Climb a fucking mountain-commercial.

I want to meet the person that was sitting around the "brainstorming table" when this commercial was created. I want to meet that person who said: "How about this Serbian guy, or Bosnian, whatever... and he's [gesticulates with hands here to show a fade-away jump shot]... he's a Basketball Player... and he's on this team, yeah... he's on this team and he SUCKS, right? So, the rest of the guys call him some dirty names or something and then later he runs a couple of laps and shoots a couple of practice shots... [very quickly here as the ad man's intense imagination begins to unfold] and then he scores the game-winning shot even though the whole team is screaming at him not to shoot!!! Then we fuckin' cut right to the bar -- and his teammates, the ones that called him a fucking Yugo - or Serb-bastard or whatever, right? they are there to buy the guy a beer! [Huge smile on face as this ad-exec realizes that he's hit the main vein here.] And we'll call the guy "CRABS" or "KREBS" or something like that -- and even though everyone thought that he sucked -- well, now they're willing to buy him a Coors Light, because it's damn apparent that the guy doesn't suck. YEAH !"

I also want to meet the person who was sitting across the table from this jackoff and I want to ask him (or her) why he (or she) didn't just get up and slit that ad-exec's throat. Right there. We would've saved the whole viewing audience a lot of grief.

Let me tell you something: pushing some sort of "Brian's Song" bullshit on the market isn't going to sell your beer. You want to sell beer? Make a better one. And no more of this Killian's Red stuff, either -- you make a good beer and people might buy it. And fuck Keystone.

Zima surely wasn't it, right? I mean has Coors made any money off that product since I bought several six-packs of it years ago over a four-month period in an effort to seduce a young lady that would drink nothing else? I think not. Any person that I've ever seen drink a Zima has almost immediately gotten their ass kicked in whatever bar they were in.

Tell "Krebs" to go home and pick up a rifle and fight for his country. And tell him to take Tony Kukoc with him.

Cheerio -
Greg A. Bruns

THE REBUTTAL FROM COORS

To: [addressomittedbecauseofspammers]
Subject: RE: Coors Mail

Greg:

Thanks for your e-mail and reminding us that just because we like something, doesn't mean everyone else will. It is the kind of strong medicine that we need now and again.

Coors, as you know, makes a wide variety of brews to appeal to a wide variety of tastes. Our commercials are likewise designed with specific beer drinkers in mind, meaning that what is perfect for one group almost always comes out less than perfect for another. Your comments will be forwarded to upper management. Our goal, of course, is to make all of the people happy all of the time [absolutely impossible - Ed.], and to that end we hope you continue to give us feedback by calling the Coors Consumer Hotline: 1-800-642-6116. It operates weekdays from 8 a.m. to 5 p.m., Mountain Time and the staff will welcome your call. BTW: We do not have a Coors e-mail address at this time.

Coors Brewing Company
Consumer Information Center
PO Box 4030 / NH475
Golden, CO 80401-9906

MY RESPONSE TO THE COORS POSTCARD

HI! I recently received a "Coors Consumer Information Center Customer Satisfaction Survey" from you folks and I just wanted to put down some "extra" things that I couldn’t fit on the little postcard you sent to me.

First of all, I’m surprised that my name even made your mailing list. The e-mail that I sent to your customer service people was less-than-polite. I expected a similar, swift response, and although I received a response, I didn't rouse the eager/creative side of the person in question. The return e-mail was a cookie-cutter response from those cheery geeks in the P.R. department.

I wrote to you people about my dissatisfaction with the "Serbian-Croat-Bastard-Basketball-Player" commercial that Coor's Light was running for awhile there. You might have heard about my comments in a recent meeting, or maybe my message was kicked around the office on your internal e-mail system, with a subject line of: "One A$$hole’s Opinion."

I do have to say that I have NOT seen poor K-R-E-B-S since I sent my message, which I’m sure is coincidence, but I am quite satisfied with that little co-inky-dinky.

In response to your request for feedback, well, here ya go…

As each and every day passes, I find myself more and more annoyed with corporations and their products. Most importantly, I find myself irritated by their "czar-like lamentations" regarding their fucking wares. I realize that commercials are created to sell the product/service in question, but there has to be a line drawn somewhere. Someone has to speak up and notify you when you have crossed that line. I elect me.

I will have you know that Onkyo will never make another stereo again because of me. The Gap will be without my consumer dollars because of their inability to physically display the products they are advertising in their television commercials (instead we see a dog eating a scrap of meat and then a little baby crying as a Mack truck barrels down on her and her unattended stroller. How the hell do you sell clothing products with dismembered babies?)

And Mentos – oh, Mentos, those bastards are still regretting the day that they put their web address in their nationally-televised commercials. It wasn’t a great challenge to get Mentos on the debate-channel, if you know what I mean.

Speaking of which, I haven’t seen a Mentos commercial in a long time, have you? Maybe it’s a slow time of year for shitty candy.

Maybe it’s also a slow time of year for shitty beer. Maybe the basketball strike forced Coors Light to yank that pathetic Serb and his inept skills from the airwaves, so as not to disrupt the viewers that are displeased about the NBA labor strike. Whatever. All I know is… be glad you guys didn’t adopt those fucking frogs for commercial appeal, ‘cuz I’m firing off a letter to those poor cocksuckers once a week!

I’ve got a lot of time on my hands. And how does the saying go? "Idle hands are the devil’s tools?" Ah, yes…

Cheerio,

Greg A. Bruns