Finish this sentence: "My freshness comes from..."

--"Turning off the television approximately two nanoseconds after hearing the musical "Do-do-do-do-do-waaaaaaah" that precedes every one of your stupid commercials."

Enter your commercial script here:

--"Me, jamming a WHOLE ROLL of Mentos into my girlfriend's mouth shortly after I withdraw my dripping, throbbing penis."

Naturally, I didn't receive a response, but I was put on
the Mentos Mailing List. I received over 10 messages
from Mentos in 5 days. This struck me as a bit
excessive, since I couldn't imagine that much
information needing distribution from a
candy manufacturer. So I sent this:

From: [removed due to spambots]
To: mentos@mentos.com
Subject: Mentos eats it, and you know it.

When you are introduced to someone and they ask you what you do for a living, are you quick to respond with "I'm in advertising."? Or, "I work as an Associate with a global confectioner."?

I would bet your ass that you rarely pipe up with: "I work for MENTOS - the freshmaker!"

'Cuz that would most certainly get teeth broken in your mouth.

Have a helluva day...

Greg

I later received this message, which
concluded all civil discussions:

From: mentos@mentos.com
To: [removed due to spambots]
Subject: Mentos Singing Screensaver!

That's right kiddies, it's here! The Mentos singing screensaver has arrived! Where can you get it you ask? Why just go to http://www.mentos.com and download a free copy. You can start each and every day with a "do do do do do do, do wah!" You'll be so hip, your friends will have to book an appointment just to be near you. Once the word gets out around the office that you've been touched by "The Freshmaker", the boss will be doing YOUR faxing and filing. Download a copy and check it out for yourself.

Peace.

-The Freshmaker

Then I sent this:

From: <Mentos Hater> [removed due to spambots]
To: <Freshmaker> mentos@mentos.com
Subject:

First of all, I find it very comical that every one of your messages is prefaced with the warning / admission of guilt phrase: "If you would like to... remove your email address...". That's pretty damn funny. You must get gigabytes of hate mail every day, huh? Tough titties for you.

About your message: If I started "each and every day with a "do do do do do do, do wah!" I would also have to start each and every day with kicking in someone's teeth. There is only so much Mentos that this planet can handle, and with this new method of Mentos propaganda, you are straining your limits.

I disagree with you and your prediction of being "hip" just because someone has a friggin' Mentos screensaver. C'mon, how many hip people do you know? Two? Five? Out of those hip buddies of yours, how many actually eat those shitty little discs of sugar? I though so.

Most of the people I know would have a little different version of your fantasy once their bosses found out that they had downloaded an unsecured document from some nefarious website like yours. I think it would be highly unlikely that their bosses would be doing their faxing and filing. I think it would be more likely that they would be ridiculed and berated until they resigned.

Take a good look at yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning while you're getting ready to go to work. Look yourself in the eyes and say "I work for Mentos." Then smile. That's how you're going to look at your high school reunion when people ask you what you do now. G'luck.

War.

Greg A. Bruns

The Freshmaker responds:

From: contact@mentos.com
To: [removed due to spambots]
Subject: Re: Mentos Singing Screensaver!

And I'll ask you one simple question. If you hate Mentos so much, why did you visit our site?

My explanation:

From: [removed due to spambots]
To: contact@mentos.com
Subject: Re: Mentos Singing Screensaver!

C'mon - is that really all you want to ask me? Is that supposed to make me sit back and ponder the reason why I feel it is necessary to harangue your prosaic organization?

I felt obligated to visit your site for the same reason that Ralph Nader felt that seat belts were important in every car: because I care about my fellow man. I thought that I might be able to voice my opinion on your web site so that you might understand that very few (if any) people find your commercials (much less your product) funny, witty, exciting, or worth sampling. I would imagine that if Mentos employed a market research firm, this truth would become evident. Perhaps then those "zany" Mentos Antics would cease.

This whole country was founded on people that voiced their opinions. You've got to be willing to take the criticism if you are going to plaster your web address on the television, chief. Just like you have to be willing to take the lascivious e-mails from the pubescent members of society that desperately want to engage in bestial sex acts with that blonde girl in your commercials. It all comes with the territory.

Cheerio -

Greg A. Bruns