With the harsh realization that freelance writing may not be my gig (for a measly $150 a month from a petty local paper), I decided to explore some job opportunities.

The District Manager for a large textbook publisher has received my resume via the Internet. In the past week, she's left three messages on my voicemail. I've been too drunk to answer the phone every time.

This essay is about the telephone interview I had on Tuesday night with the District Sales Manager (DSM) who could not reach me.

[Her Phone rings]

DSM: This is Scarlett.

ME: Hi Scarlett, this is Greg Bruns. You've been trying to get ahold...

DSM: YES! YES! I've been trying to reach you! How are you?

ME: Fine, thank you.

DSM: Good, good. Let me get some things here [papers shuffling]. [To Someone Else]: We'll talk about this later.

[Someone Else (very faint)]: Okay

DSM: [still to Someone Else] No, really, we will, just give me fifteen or twenty minutes.

SOMEONE ELSE: Okay. [Moments later, a door closes.]

ME: [Digging in fridge for cold one and thinking: 15 or 20 minutes of jabberwocky with this bitch?] Ahhhh… I have to be… somewhere… soon.

DSM: I understand, you're obviously a busy man.

ME: Yeah.

DSM: Well, I just want to talk to you about the sales rep position you applied for.

ME: Right. Sales Rep. [Sucking hard on a Sierra Nevada Pale Ale]

[Numerous boring points are stricken here for the benefit of the reader]

DSM: …it includes a company car, an IBM ThinkPad, for keeping your contact information tight, heh heh, and numerous other tools to help you in the…

ME: [interrupting] What kind of company car? Is it a Chrysler 300M? Heh Heh.

DSM: Hmm? No, it's a Dodge Caravan. Most of the reps seem to like the minivan, as it…

ME: [interrupting again]: I'm sure it is. Is there a possibility of getting a monthly stipend or something instead of the minivan? See, I have a weird thing about minivans. It would be best if I didn't drive a minivan.

DSM: Oh. [Very long pause] Why?

ME: Yeah - I'm sorry, but I just hate minivans. In fact, when I think about the many things that I hate in this world, minivans rank right up there in the top five… just below "people."

DSM: [Another long pause] Oh, I see. May I put you on hold for a moment?

ME: Yeah, sure. [Another long pull on the Pale Ale]

DSM: [30 seconds later] Mr. Bruns?

ME: Yes!

DSM: Our interview is complete. I'll be in touch if I need anything further. Thank you.

ME: Uh, okay.

DSM: Okay.

[click]