Welcome to the third annual edition of “Who Am I?” Here’s a chance to look back on all the people who made 2002 a better year, all by doing nothing more than being themselves and making press.

1. The Great Space Race culminated in 1969, when I landed – and walked – on the moon with the rest of the crew of Apollo 11. In September 2002, I was accosted by conspiracy theorist Bart Sibrel outside a Beverly Hills hotel, who asked me to swear on a Bible that the great moment in history was not staged. Sibrel called me a liar and a coward, and with cameras rolling, I punched him square in the face. The Los Angeles County District Attorney's office subsequently declined to file charges. I am…

A) Soviet Cosmonaut, Yuri Gagarin
B) First Woman in Space, Valentina Tereshkova
C) 72-year-old American Astronaut, Edwin “Buzz” Aldrin
D) Jackie “To the Moon, Alice!” Gleason

2. I broke ground in the 80s punk rock scene when I wore outlandish outfits, face paint, and performed popular hits like “Goody Two Shoes.” In January 2002, I strolled into an English pub wearing a cowboy outfit, which was quickly, and openly ridiculed by other patrons. When they began humming the theme song to “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” I became incensed. I was so upset that I left the bar, picked up a car alternator, and heaved it through the pub’s window, striking a performing musician in the head. When the pubbies became enraged and chased me down the street, I brandished a starter’s pistol and hysterically threatened them with it. You might wonder why I walked into a British pub wearing a dorky cowboy outfit, and I’ll be pondering that while I serve my community service sentence, I assure you. I am…

A) William Broad, aka “Billy Idol”
B) John Michael Osbourne, aka “Ozzy Osbourne”
C) Stuart Goddard, aka “Adam Ant”
D) Theodore Geisel, aka “Dr. Suess”

3. Who would’ve thought that a peanut farmer could win a presidential election, much less the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002? I mean, what does it take to pluck some nuts and toss them in a bucket? Compare that to brokering peace between Egypt and Israel and there’s quite a contrast. I am a very humble man, who will do my best do to my duty, although the challenge of international peace in this day is a very difficult proposition. My pursuit will not waver, though, because I consider myself “a citizen of a troubled world.” Pundits say, “I remember you, chief, and I can sum you up in two words: Energy Crisis.”

A) George Washington Carver
B) Assassinated Egyptian President, Anwar Sadat
C) Former President, James Earl Carter, Jr.
D) Assassinated Israeli Prime Minister, Yitzhak Rabin

4. While this was the year that major corporations grudgingly admitted to billions in accounting fraud, “International Psychic” Miss Cleo was busted by the FCC for deceptive advertising (couldn’t see that coming?), and California energy consumers were hammered with whacko prices for consumption for the third year in a row, it almost came as a relief that I did nothing more than shoplift a few items out of Saks Fifth Avenue in Beverly Hills. Granted, we’re talking about a spree that totaled over $5500 in items, and my commanded salary more than covers that, but hey – (in the defense of this author) – I’m cute. I am…

A) Famous Japanese Haiku Poet, Matsuo Bashou
B) Food Writer Extraordinaire, Peter Sills
C) Über-Cutie, Winona Ryder
D) The Man Who Made Wall Street, Anthony J. Drexel

Time to tally ‘em up. Just so you know, “C” has been the correct answer in all of these “Who’s Who” quizzes (and all other quizzes you’ve taken in life – that’s what I learned in college, anyway) so you should’ve done just fine. You can go back and re-circle your answers if you like… I’ll wait………….. Okay? Got ‘em? Good.

0 Correct: Um – did you read the last paragraph?
1 Correct: Pssssst… read the last paragraph.
2 Correct: Ah yes – you refuse to read it… okay that’s cool. 50% is almost a passing grade!
3 Correct: Doing well, I must say. There are many night classes offered in reading comprehension at many different educational institutions, FYI.
4 Correct: Top notch! You’ve got a hold on it – whatever “it” is.

Best wishes to all of you for a roaring 2003, and thank you very much for reading my column. I sincerely appreciate all the nice e-mails and support you send my way. Also, special thanks to Kameron Vitario for his input with this Who’s Who of 2002.