On a balmy Superbowl Sunday in Houston, Texas, an aging pop-star’s sagging breast was exposed for all the world to see during the usually lame half-time show. This incident was initially cited as a wardrobe malfunction. People started howling and the FCC was besieged with complaints. Shortly after that, TiVo reported that millions of their subscribers were watching that four-second clip more than Friends re-runs. How many points were scored (both teams combined) in the third quarter of this Superbowl?

A) 7
B) 14
C) 0
D) 9

The planet mourns when a guy like me punches out. I made a career out of the lack of respect I received in this world. I created mountains of comedy, I tell ya. When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. And when I started in show business I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream. Do you know the title of my first movie?

A) Caddyshack
B) Easy Money
C) The Philanthropist
D) The Projectionist

I turned into the nightmare girlfriend when I became so “needy” that I staged my own kidnapping to get my boyfriend’s undivided attention. Hundreds of people searched for me and America prayed for me, with hope that I would be found safe and secure in my college town of Madison. I turned up in a marsh a few days after my “disappearance” but I couldn’t answer some of the questions being asked of me. The manhunt was reported to have cost about $96,000. The police later obtained a store video tape that pictured me buying a the very items that I claimed my abductor used on me: a knife, cold medication, rope and duct tape. Well, whatever—I’ll see you at the bar on nickel kami night—wanna dance? I am…

A) Amber Frye
B) Audrey Seiler
C) Ashlee Simpson
D) Anjelica Huston

Rick James, the Super Freak passed on to the great freak jam in the sky. Those who had to ride to school in their friend’s Mustang every single day of sophomore year at Scottsdale High, listening to Superfreak over and over again, found a tinge of relief at James’ passing. It is possible that others did not. James died of…

A) Exhaustion from a twelve hour concert
B) Pulmonary failure
C) His spacesuit ran out of oxygen
D) It was just freaky, man

An election year is always full of amazing events that occasionally show up later in a politician’s autobiography as “a regrettable incident.” I was standing on stage, shouting all kinds of stuff I don’t remember—you know, rallying the troops after I just lost the Iowa Caucus. I mean, I thought we were going to change the world, man. I thought it would be refreshing if a politician finally showed some real American character, but apparently everyone else thought I sounded just a little too much like a drunken roller derby fan. I was essentially tossed out of the free ride to the Democratic Nomination, sort of like a drunken teenager who gets thrown out of a movie theater after puking all over the seats. I am…

A) Gen. Wesley Clark
B) Arnold Schwarzenegger
C) Howard Dean
D) Dick “Night Train” Lane

Sure, we only played three chords. Sure, we leaded every tune with “One Two Three Four!” Sure, we also changed the face of punk rock. I don’t know why this writer keeps mentioning dead musicians in each of these ‘Who Am I?’ columns. Maybe he thinks like most people who get old: their music was the best music and the new stuff just isn’t that good. He covered my brother in this same column in 2002, who died in 2001—which no doubt led to our band being inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2002. I battled prostate cancer and died at age 55 in September, 2004. I am…

A) John Cummings, aka Johnny Ramone
B) Mike Muir, aka Suicidal Tendencies
C) Marion Michael Morrison, aka John Wayne
D) Robert Einstein, aka “Super Dave” Osborne

ANSWERS: 1=C, 2=D, 3=B, 4=B (or D, we’ll take that too, man), 5=C, 6=A.