Happy New Year 2006, dear readers, and welcome to the 7th Annual “Who Am I?” quiz. 2005 was another fabulous year for this column, as the human being's penchant for being human beings always provides a bumper crop of material.

1. If only Alexander Graham Bell could see how his telephone has morphed into an magnificent tool that the world simply cannot do without. Yet, if a phone is lost, used as a weapon, or part of a bank robbery, then it becomes more than a tool – it turns into fodder for a column such as this. Match the OWNER/WEILDER of the phone in the questions below:

A. My cell phone was lost at a club I was hanging out at one night. My speed dial list contained a slew of phone numbers of some famous people, including Harrison Ford, George Clooney, and former President Bill Clinton, who was crank-called by the guy who found my phone. Since crank-calls to Presidents are not taken lightly, the Secret Service eventually found my phone and busted the dialer.
B. I discovered that if you yak away on a cell phone while you're robbing a bank, people don't get quite as nervous, and the FBI gives you a cute name, like Cell Phone Bandit.
C. My cell phone's address book was, like, totally hacked. Then, all of my friends had their private contact information posted on the Internet. This might have made Eminem and Christina Aguilera mad, but I so totally don't care.
D. Ever been hit in the face with a hotel phone thrown by a large, irate man? Well, the concierge at the Mercer Hotel in New York City can give you an “affirmative” to that one, after I heaved a phone at him when I lost my temper last summer.

Match the number below with the letter above (not all numbers will be used).
1. Russell Crowe
2. Jimmy Buffett
3. Candice Martinez
4. Ray Victory
5. Paris Hilton
6. Candice Bergman

2. During my dining experience at a local fast-food joint, I claimed to have “discovered” a severed body part in my chili. I kind of figured that the fast food chain, with their deep pockets, would cut me a check and that would be it. However, a massive investigation ensued, and in the end, my husband and I ended up in jail. They later discovered that the finger was from one of my husband's co-workers, who lost it in an industrial accident and then sold it to us (a poor investment, as it turns out). My actions put the country in a bit of panic, and the food chain lost a lot of money until the truth was revealed. According to the felony complaint against me, the Wendy's restaurants in the area where I made my claim, lost:

A. $5 million
B. $2.5 million
C. $350,000
D. $1.25 million

3. My life as a writer was one of great accomplishment, as I forged the standard of first-person journalism, sticking myself into the stories I weaved. You might say I was a troubled man, frustrated, maybe because I never really took my writing to the “next level” - yet I will certainly be spoken of in English literature classes in the future. Johnny Depp did a stellar job of portraying me in a movie created after my magnum opus. I committed suicide in February, 2005, and on August 20, 2005, my cremated remains were fired from a 150-foot cannon (my own design), in a private ceremony, while Bob Dylan's Mr. Tambourine Man blared from massive speakers. When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. I am...

A. Bob Dylan
B. Hunter S. Thompson
C. Raoul Duke
D. Oscar Zeta Acosta

4. You would think a simple “Let's hold off on this for a little while” would suffice, but I thought it might be better to pretend I was kidnapped, sexually assaulted, and then abandoned at a New Mexico convenience store. I had nearly every news station in the country talking about me, and an outpouring of support from thousands of people. That was, until I told the real story, and then everyone decided I might not be the best girl to take down the aisle, anyway. My first name is:

A. Jessie
B. Elizabeth
C. Karen
D. Jennifer

5. Some people trying to be funny squirted me in the face with water from a “trick” microphone when they attempted to interview me, and you would've thought that they sprayed me down with liquified hog fat or bodily fluids. My immediate reaction was to deliver my scientific reason to these people who dared – dared – to squirt me – amazing, famous, ME – with water! Then I had “my people” deliver a message through the usual media channels, explaining that while I don't know what actions I'm going to take about this, I'm certainly “not just going to forget about it.” And then, we all forgot about it. My name is:

A. Courtney Love
B. Bill Gates
C. Tom Cruise
D. Derek Jeter

Time to tally 'em up and see how you did. Even though the first question has four parts, if you answered any one of them correctly, give yourself a full point.
1) A=2, B=3, C=5, D=1; 2)B; 3)B (and C, HST fans); 4)D; 5)C.

0-2 correct: Ah, that's okay – I'm trying to make this thing harder every year.
3-4 correct: Wow – you were certainly paying attention in 2005.
5-6 correct (if you got the bonus “C” in question 3): You work for Entertainment Weekly or something?