This little joke leads us into our February article, which I have traditionally committed to the all-too-obvious and inane holiday, Valentine's Day:

A man walking along Malibu Beach stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it, and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "Okay, okay, you released me from the lamp, I'll grant you one wish."

The man thought for a bit and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm scared to fly and I get seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive there?"

The genie said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics! How would the supports reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete and steel! You're talking over 2500 miles of bridgework! No, think of another wish."

The man considered for a moment and said, "Well, there is one other thing I've always wanted. I wish I could really understand women. What makes them laugh and cry; what are they feeling inside? What do they really mean when they say they want 'nothing'? Basically, what makes them tick?"

The genie pondered for a bit, cocked an eyebrow and said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

I know it's an old joke and all, but we're setting the scene here. I'm avoiding the Valentine's Day deal because I'm the guy in the joke who has just discovered the genie. And you know what? I'd rather know the answer to the second question than have the first one granted in any form. Nevertheless, there doesn't appear to be any answer to this query (haven't read "Mars and Venus" though). So, for those of us suffering from breakups, I offer these holidays to observe in place of V-day.

February 2 - Groundhog Day. Whoop it up for your favorite rodent! If that poor beast doesn't see his shadow in the historical synopsis from 1841, we're all supposedly in for moderate weather. Interestingly, if he does see his shadow, he'll go down below and take a six-week nap! Must be nice - taking 42-day naps.

February 6 - Waitangi Day. Considered New Zealand's National Day, this controversial holiday has brought about all sorts of difficulties and uprising by the Maori (natives). Find a bar in town that serves Harrington's beer (a New Zealand treat) and buy one to celebrate the beauty of the land down under. Give a hearty toast to the Maori.

February 12 - Chinese New Year. It's the year of the horse, and year 4699 according to the Chinese calendar. Actually considered the year of the Black Horse, and we all know how the Black Horse kicked Cupid's ass back in the First Century, right? It's a Black Horse year, baby. Reap it.

February 17 - President's Day. While mostly designed for the great ones like Washington and Lincoln, let's not forget the other 41 guys who have gotten us here. Think about Truman, Roosevelt, Harrison, Hayes and Reagan (or pick your own favorites and have a shot of El Presidente Brandy for them!).

February 24 - Dia de la Bandera. Mexican Flag Day. Our southern neighbors have a flag that symbolizes many things with their selected colors: green = hope/home/fertility of the soil, white = purity, red = blood shed during the independence. Wave your Mexican flag high, but make sure it doesn't wave higher than Old Glory.

That should be enough as far as the Valentine's Day diversion goes. Although, I did neglect the obvious holiday, Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday starts February 12)… and that's a classic festival. It's the best holiday of the month, really - you don't need to be a genie to figure that out.