By the time you read this, I will be a married man. I could drone on and on here about what a great person my future wife is, how I love her family, her idiosyncrasies, and of course, her cats, but it all comes down to this: I’ve found someone who can put up with me for a lifetime.

While paying for the engagement ring (true love, of course, has no price – so any little joke I might think about inserting here about the cost of the ring would be pointless), I started to think about some of the wedding traditions. A little research uncovered some interesting aspects to these centuries-old practices.

Engagement rings were brought forth in the 13th century when Pope Innocent III declared that a waiting period was to be observed between the betrothal and the wedding. Apparently, the waiting period didn’t include sitting around wondering what the wedding ring was going to look like, and the engagement ring was introduced.

The first wedding rings were made out of plant fibers or braided grass, and were worn to protect the bride from evil spirits. The Romans, no doubt weary from re-weaving new rings when the grass ones dried up and blew away, started using iron. The Egyptians, who have perpetually trumped the Romans, wisely crafted their rings out of gold.

The bride wears white because it is the color of choice for celebrations, dating back almost 2,000 years. The color white has been interpreted with different meanings, and today it symbolizes joy and happiness. White is a common shield against evil.

The bride’s veil initially symbolized her youth and virginity. It aided the bride in remaining modest and hid her from jealous spirits. Even today, in some Muslim countries, a young man is bound by religious constraints to conduct his entire courtship while his bride-to-be remains veiled. He's not permitted to see her face until after the wedding. One would imagine that the unveiling is one incredibly anxious moment, eh?

I can almost hear one of two noises escaping the groom’s mouth at that moment: a pleasant “Oh!” as if he’s just discovered a fifty in his pants pocket while doing laundry, or the exhaustive “Ohhh,” as if he just heard that the Arizona Cardinals signed Jeff Blake.

The bride carries flowers, which convey a message of fertility and enduring love. In Roman times, the flowers were thought to be piquant enough to ward off evil spirits as well.

The evil spirits seem to be a serious concern to our historical brothers. My future wife and her friends had concerns about these crazy demons as well. Then again, the bachelor party to Mexico ensured that we drank the evil spirits.

There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia