The blushing bride and I are about to embark on a Tahitian honeymoon and I’ve decided that this trip is not just about drinking Mai Tais and getting lei’d. This is going to be a laborious search for the tiki. Upon our return stateside, it will be shipped immediately to Washington. A whole new global campaign could be started: Operation Behold the Power of the Tiki. Complete savages and brutal dictators could be scared straight with one glare from the tiki’s jeweled eyes. One good hocus-pocus tiki demonstration by G.W. (say, making the Iraqi Information Minister re-appear) on Al-Jazeera could dissolve most of this anti-American sentiment flowing around the world.

Since we Americans have become about as popular as a French kiss at a family reunion, my wife and I are somewhat concerned with the fact that we’re leaving our home soil for 10 days. Some American friends of mine, who are seasoned travelers, have experienced some of this backlash abroad and highly recommend telling people that we’re Canadian.

“French Canadian?” I asked.

“Not unless you want to make enemies with everyone,” my friend snorted.

I see his point, really, but I don’t want to sound like Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks, denouncing my citizenship, pretending that I’m Ollie Oglethorpe from Ottawa to douse potential flare-ups. Maybe I’m looking too deeply into this, but I don’t think I could escape the dreaded pangs of guilt I would feel after suppressing my patriotic pride and lying about my homeland. Especially if I tell people I’m a Canadian.

Then again, we’re also not going to spend 10 days in the South Pacific arguing politics with red-faced Frenchies hell-bent on telling us how screwed up American foreign policy is. There are no working examples I know of that can pinpoint finely-crafted solutions to world problems created from deck chairs on Polynesian beaches with topless women running around. Perhaps this passive-aggressive stance can be my political defense while my wife and I plunder the Tahitian rum supplies and wear our sunglasses at night.

Of course, if we find that tiki early enough, his power will no doubt prevail, the disagreeing populace will be seduced into the tiki trance, and we’ll have nothing to worry about.

“Disbelief in magic can force a poor soul into believing in government and business.” (Tom Robbins)