I'll tell you right now when you can call it quits as an actor in Hollywood. The very second that you wipe back the tears and sign a contract to do a movie with a dog, it's all over, baby. (Solitary noted exception: Tom Hanks and "Turner and Hooch.")

Hunting for something good to watch in my local video store the other night, I noticed a slew of movie boxes with pooches and humans on the cover. The majority of the titles showcase the unlikely, yet HI-larious duo of K-9 cops and their human partners.

James Belushi, one of the most notorious B-movie actors ever, has now done a trio of such movies. The first, "K-9" (1989) was one of the lowlights of his career, and one of my personal lowlights of that year as well, when I went to see the movie because I had already seen everything else that was out, including "American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt." To top it off, Belushi did a sequel, "K-911" in 1999, and as if starring in two movies with a German Shepherd isn't enough to deter future excursions into the realm of low-grade movies starring hounds, I noticed the latest release of 2002, "K-9: PI" on the shelf.

Jim is a much better actor than I am a writer, so I'm not criticizing his ability to do the job. I'm just thinking he was looking to settle some past-due watercraft payments when he signed the contract for this latest freaky film fiasco. But then I noticed something very curious: both copies of "K-9: PI" were missing. As if they had been - gulp - checked out of the store! I rushed over to the counter, knocking a couple movie boxes off the shelf on the way.

"Someone has misplaced 'K-9: PI'," I shouted, huffing heavily like I was having an asthma attack, "and I need to find out where it is!"

The clerk went diligently about his work, scouring the movie store database, scanning and searching for the lost film. Then he scrunched his eyebrows and frowned.

"It's been checked out," he said, "and it's due back on Friday." All of the sudden, this movie I so openly mocked and berated was unavailable to me. The old adage of wanting what you can't have sunk in deep and took hold of all reason.

"That's impossible," I stammered, "I mean, it's just improbable and completely out of whack with what I know this world to be. It's like finding out that your parents aren't really your parents or something. It's got to be a mistake."

The clerk wanted nothing to do with me. I stood there at the counter, dejected and emotionally spent. Here was this movie, this rotten movie, and I couldn't have it. Some other person absconded with it and was probably at this very moment, enjoying the lighthearted and predictable humor of this canine caper. Since I refuse to let this newfound obsession with the movie control me, I reach out to the audience and ask for your help.

The first person to e-mail me a plot synopsis, along with their impression of "K-9: PI" will receive two free VIP passes to any Harkins theater. Don't delay; these passes expire in October 2002. Send me your name and address in your e-mail, and don't just go out and rip the information off of some "K-9: PI" fan forum on the Internet. Really put your heart into it and tell me what you think.