As crazy as this may sound, the New Millennium is still a year away, folks. Not that you would know this from watching the news, reading the paper, or talking to your friends about their New Year's plans this year. Heck, it seems that everyone is jumping on the bandwagon and gearing up for the biggest party this planet has ever seen. The only problem is, most people have the date mixed-up and they think they'll be ushering in the next thousand years at the end of this month. But trying to spread the truth about this issue is like trying to melt the polar caps with a hairdryer. For those who seek answers to the details regarding the latest fad, The New Millennium, I'm here to help.

Q. When does the new millennium start?

A. While some media and money-hungry entrepreneurs would have you believe that the new millennium begins in less than a month, this is untrue. The Gregorian calendar, which is in use today, began with the year AD 1. Therefore, the first century was comprised of the years 1 through 100. The second century began on January 1, 101. Using simple mathematics, one can see that our next century (and the next millennium) does not begin until January 1, 2001.

Q. I have $4,000 in airline tickets to Gisborne, New Zealand for my wife and me to attend the "Gisborne First Light Millennium Party" on December 31, 1999. Gisborne claims to be the first city west of the International Date Line, which makes them one of the first places to see the sun rise on January 1, 2000. Now you're telling me that I'm not going to see the first sunrise of the new millennium? It's actually a year away? Have I been duped?

A. Yes.

Q. American history is filled with inaccuracies. Christopher Columbus aside, one example is the fact that America is named after Amerigo Vespucci, a man who probably never set foot on the North American continent. Why make such a big deal about the technical labeling of some event?

A. My birthday is tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. In fact, I have a birthday every single day of the year. I'm eligible for social security at the end of this month, according to that. I'd like my checks, please.

Q. I see, you think sarcasm can solve the world's problems.

A. I think it's a method that should be used more often, sure.

Q. I've stocked up on water, beans, rice and a few other boring, bland foods that I'll be sick of in two days if the world's food supply freezes like so many think it will on January 1, 1999. Oh - and I spent my child's college fund on a 5000HP gasoline-powered generator and other assorted items that I've been told I'll need to survive in the new age without electricity. Is this wrong?

A. Wrong? No. Stupid? Maybe.

Q. What's all this stuff about the Apocalypse and the return of Jesus Christ for the new millennium? Does this mean He's not coming until January 1st, 2001? Are any of the other 47 deities that are currently worshipped on earth planning on attending this event? This New Millennium Monster Party (featuring J.C. and the Gang) sounds like it's going to be the party that ends all parties, literally. How do I get tickets for the NMMP?

A. First, it's likely that TicketMaster or Don King Promotions will have the NMMP party nailed down. Expect ticket prices to be high, with no chance for refunds or repentance. Second, it's doubtful that all of the Gods and Goddesses will be in attendance to deliver the crushing blow to man's existence on this 4.5 billion year-old-planet. It's rumored that Allah and a few others have already signed on with the Ramones and Barry Manilow for the "2001 Beach Bash" in Copacabana in Rio de Janeiro.

I hope these questions have helped you in your search for truth. Now you know when the new millennium will begin for real, so you don't have to buy into all of the hype that America's marketing gurus are trying to shove down your throat. You can buy into all of that gibberish next year, when the real party begins.