Another year in the books, eh? That means it is time for the 9th Annual Straight Up “Who Am I?” Quiz, where we pick through the popular news stories of 2007 to see how much of the noise you took in last year.

1. My story is unusual because you wouldn’t normally think of me as a whacko. In fact, most of the people in my career field have degrees in high-level mathematics or astrophysics and are responsible for piloting 50 million dollar spacecraft. So it was just a bit perplexing when I strapped on some space diapers and drove 900 miles across the country to accost a fellow space woman who was flirting with a space boy I liked. My failed attempt at hosing down this other woman with pepper spray kick-started a chain of events that eventually led to my arrest. My lawyer put forth in my defense that I suffer from major depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, Asperger’s syndrome, insomnia and at the time of the incident, a “brief psychotic disorder with marked stressors.” Indeed. Who Am I?

A) Lisa Marie Cheney
B) Lisa Marie Nowak
C) Lisa Marie Presley
D) Lisa Marie

2. Okay, so we shut down parts of the 11th largest city in America. Yeah, we called the bomb squad and made a big deal out of a light-brite cartoon character flipping the bird. But let me tell you something: those crazy people at Turner Broadcasting will never again fool us into thinking that guerrilla marketing campaigns are actually IEDs scattered throughout the city. Because effective immediately, all unconventional marketing campaigns are hereby banned in the city of Boston. You heard me – banned! You boys think you’re wicked smaht – but once we implement this ban you’ll never embarrass my administration again. I am mayor, hear me roar. Who Am I?

A) Thomas Menino, Boston
B) Thomas the Tank, Isle of Sodor
C) Hizzonor Clarence Thomas, D.C.
D) Thomas Kinkade, Painter of Light

3. Another renowned American writer moves on to the great library in the sky. In 1954 this talented young author – who had already acknowledged he knew next to nothing about sports – was hired to write for Sports Illustrated. One of his first tasks was to pen a caption about a racehorse that had jumped the rail at Aqueduct and galloped across the infield. This writer thought for a moment, clacked out one sentence and then walked out of his office, never to return. His creation left behind read only: “The horse jumped over the f---ing fence.” Fifteen years later, he published his magnum opus, the semiautobiographical Slaughterhouse-Five. Who Is He?

A) Kurt Cobain
B) Kilgore Trout
C) Kurt Vonnegut
D) Kurt Russell

4. They say I’m famous for being famous. I say I’m the iconic blonde of the decade. I was sentenced to 45 days in jail for a series of violations that center around a suspended driver’s license (which was plucked from me after I was caught driving drunk). After I served about 36 hours of my sentence, the sheriff sent me home with an electronic ankle bracelet. Then, everyone freaked because I was given special attention. And then, everyone freaked about everyone freaking. The news stations made fun of the fact that I was considered news, the irony of the reporting completely escaping them. This country is doomed, if for no other reason than my socialite/celebrity status. Who Am I?

A) Leona Helmsley
B) Paris Texan
C) Leroy Jenkins
D) Paris Hilton

5. See if you can finish this Personals Ad that Bryan Hathaway is likely to place after being released from custody:

Me: 20-year-old Wisconsin man with a prior conviction for felony mistreatment of an animal. My plea entered in a Wisconsin Circuit Court in March, 2007: no contest. The charges: misdemeanor mistreatment of an animal. My sentence: probation, treatment at the Institute for Psychological and Sexual Health. Looking for: late night walks on the beach, quiet evenings at home watching movies, snuggling on the couch. You: Strong, very silent type with furry back. Should be _____ for at least 12 hours. Whitetail or Mule ____ preferred.

A) dead / deer
B) sleepy / sheep
C) hungry / horse
D) passed out / porcupine

6. Plenty of bizarre news stories float across the airwaves each year. Put these four stories from 2007 in order by date of occurrence.

A) Rock-n-roller Keith Richards reveals in a magazine interview, “I snorted my father’s ashes.”
B) Roberto Madrazo, a Mexican politician, cheats while running the Berlin Marathon, claiming an easy victory for his age group of 55. Investigation reveals that he posted a time of 21 minutes for one nine-mile section of the race, twice as fast as the world record holder.
C) Californian Jennifer Strange entered a contest called “Hold Your Wee for a Wii.” The winner of said contest would drink the most amount of water without urinating. She came in second place in more ways than one even though she quaffed two gallons of water. Her death later that day was attributed to “water intoxication.”
D) 46-year-old actor Hugh Grant is arrested after hucking a tub of baked beans at a photographer.
E) Russia “claims” the North Pole by planting a flag 14,000 feet from the surface, on the Arctic seabed. Canada mocks Russia by saying, “This isn’t the 15th century. You can’t go around the world and just plant flags and say ‘We’re claiming this territory’.”

So, how did you do? Check your answers below:
1= B; 2=A; 3=C; 4=D; 5=A; 6=C, A, D, E, B

Happy New Year, Arcadia!