WASHINGTON -- In the wake of even more citizen-initiated violence in America, President Clinton presented a "new set of rules" on Wednesday morning in Washington. The 738-page document, entitled the "No No List," which is as thick as the New York City phone book, "lists all of the 652,506 items which will be outlawed in these United States," explained Clinton from the White House Press Room.

"With lobbyists, citizen's groups, senators, and national organizations breathing down my neck, I've decided to give the people what they want." Clinton then slammed the 16-pound, bound document on the speaker's podium, knocking over several press microphones. "You did this to yourselves, you bastards," Clinton added.

What exactly is outlawed? As Clinton explains it, everything "from shotguns to shaving cream… from grenades to garter belts… from pistols to petit fours… you name it, if it has killed somebody in the last five years, it's now illegal to own it." Clinton then sighed heavily and began reading from the top of the alphabetical list. The 45-minute reading began with "aardvarks" and ended with "axes." Clinton held up the remaining 700 pages and then added: "That's just the A-list. You get the idea."

Clinton then instructed the press corps to remove their neckties, since "decorative neckwear killed 78 people last year alone." The White House Press Room erupted into cheers, but it quickly dissolved into groans when Clinton also announced that all writing instruments, from pencils to computers, have been banned as well.

A total of 2,314,345 people died in 1997, according to the latest information from the National Center for Health Statistics, which acquires "cause of death" statements from all 50 states for all deaths reported. Only 32,436 of the 2.3 million were caused by firearms, either by suicide or homicide. While this is only 1.4% of the total deaths nationwide, the "hammering" of the media makes gunshot deaths seem like the Bubonic Plague of the 1990's. "Since people are apparently unable to see logic and reason, and since they keep calling me and keep calling me, this whole [gun] issue will apparently end only when we outlaw everything," Clinton remarked while eyeing a second-row blond from the West Palm Beach Daily.

"You did this to yourselves," Clinton repeated. "Now you can't have anything," he taunted, sounding like a sixth-grade teacher dealing with a problem child.

Say goodbye to your cars (they killed more than 43,000 nationwide in 1997, Clinton reminds us), say goodbye to ice cream, say goodbye to kitchen knives and just about anything you can think of - as well as anything that even rhymes with anything you can think of. It's all gone.

All of the American people will be receiving a large, black Hefty Bag™ in the mail, along with their own copy of the "No No List." All items on the list must be put out in front of your house by Monday, August 16th for collection.

"See ya," Clinton said with a salute, "I'm moving to the Bahamas."

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