WASHINGTON - With the National Debt skyrocketing and 'Y2K' looming on their already heavy shoulders, the House passed N.F. Res. 55, approving a new symbol for the United States. The new Amendment to the Constitution alters not only the iconic flag, but also slashes a very specific portion of the globally recognized label of the 'United States of America,' making it now "The United States of Tommy."



Republican Representative John Doolittle of California, who was one of the 340 "Yea" votes for the new flag had this to comment: "It's high time we, as Tommy people, pay respect to the money- grubbing, ass-humping, over-charging, life-sucking corporations that make us the weak-ass consumers that we are. Let's face it: we're all Tommy."

The "U.S. Tommy Flag," introduced at the Congressional press conference on Friday is adorned with corporate labels and logos. Barely visible amongst the plastering of colorful corporate insignias are the words "United States of Tommy." While it almost looks like an advertising campaign, Rep. Don Young of Alaska (who also voted Yea) disagreed. "This is a tribute, man. This is what America, err Tommy, is all about." Young paused to take a sip of Pepsi One, then added: "Gettin' paid, bitch." Representative Young was later seen leaving the Hill, wearing a pair of Solid Gold Zipper Tommy Jeans, with four hookers and a case of Bud Long Necks.

None of the 15 companies that have punctuated themselves on the "new flag" have denied the fact that government representatives might have been persuaded with cash or T-shirts or "free tits" when it comes to 'logo approval.' Also, none of the 15 corporate public relations departments offered any comment regarding the fact that Amerigo Vespucci's name has now been ripped from the modern world. Which brings to light the fact that no one knows, or cares, who Amerigo is, regardless of his ancient claims about the "New World."

The Tommy people have taken a liking to the new symbol. The systematic burning of "Old Glory" has sparked thousands of parties nationwide. Make no mistake, we're all Tommy's now. Buy the jeans. Drink the beverages. Watch the races. Study the symbol. Love the Bulls. Suck it up and wear the shoes, man. Welcome to the UNITED STATES OF TOMMY. You're gonna love it or die.

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